Hello to the future.
It’s 21st March and I am currently 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I think.
I calculated my period wrong so I am day further along than I thought which I am glad for as I know as the days go on, the risk of miscarriage is lower and lower.
I never thought I would be this worried, but it is on my mind all of the time. Every time I go to the toilet I’m worried I’ll see blood. I’m worried I’ll get to the scan and it will be ectopic or have no heartbeat. As my uterus stretches and cramps, I worry that I’m going to get my period and I’ve made or this up, or lose the baby. I am bloated all the time and it’s hard to tell the difference between bloating pains and cramps and I feel terrified at every twinge.
I thought getting pregnant would be the hard part. But it’s actually not. It’s the waiting and worry and self-doubt. I didn’t realise how many people lose their babies and I didn’t realise that the thought of losing mine would upset me so much.
My baby just levelled up from the size of a tomato seed to a red lentil. It’s starting to take a bit of shape now. It’s still pretty ugly but it looks less slug-like than last week. Its little heart should beat this week.
I am still unsure how I feel towards it or how I should feel towards it. I am worried about losing it but at the same time, I still don’t believe this is happening. Even though I’ve taken 8 positive tests now.
From the moment I held a positive test in my hand, it’s like I’ve already imagined my whole life around this child in my womb and I’ve planned out everything in my head. I feel really protective and determined to do everything for this baby and I wasn’t expecting that. So even though I don’t believe I am pregnant, the idea of not being pregnant feels like it will be the end of my world.
I’m feeling less sick which is great, accord to my app I will probably start with the morning sickness again in a few days. I hope I am one of the lucky ones that don’t experience it.
My main symptoms are cramps, bloating and my boobs are bigger and fuller.
I’m still exercising and will continue to do as long as I can as I’ve spoken to my PT and she has confirmed I can carry on as normal until I am 12 weeks.
In lockdown for 12 weeks
I’m currently in quarantine which is strange. I found out I was pregnant on Friday the 13th and then on the following Monday Boris Johnson (UK PM) put pregnant people into the ‘at risk’ category and said they should stay home for 12 weeks. I had told my manager Monday morning. I know it was very early to tell him but I thought it was best to let him know considering Coronavirus was getting worse and worse.
He called me on Tuesday and told me to work home until my company actually get a clear policy. Now we have the policy and it is basically working from home until the government says I am no longer at risk. I don’t mind too much because at least I will be at home if I do get sick again. I’ve not been out since Monday apart from to get a flu jab on Thursday, which was a nightmare as the pharmacy was so full. But I was advised by a GP friend to get the flu jab to protect me against anything else that is going around.
So I’m not leaving the house for 12 weeks. I’m so glad I have the home gym and piano to keep me sane. My boyfriend’s school has closed now and he is only going out on his road bike and to the supermarket.
The hardest thing is that I’m trying to keep it quiet that I’m high-risk and not going out. I have seen people talking about it on social media but I can’t say anything. I’ve told most people that I’m allowed to work at home because of the nature of my job, but the rest of my colleagues are all supporting the stores to be a security presence. We don’t see each other often as we all look after different stores across our region so as far as they know I’m in stores too. My manager is giving me admin to do so they probably just think I’m the favourite or something ha. I might have to tell them I’m at risk at some point, but I don’t want all the questions and hoping if I just say I’ve got a health condition and don’t want to go into detail they will leave it.
I’m trying hard to eat plant-based also. Whole foods, fresh fruit and veg and I’ve been drinking warm chocolate Alpro instead of coffee to ensure I’m getting the calcium I need. I think the extra fruit and veg might be contributing to the bloat a little bit too and hope my body adjusts soon.
This whole thing is pretty crazy, but I’m trying to make the most of it by being thankful for being home during my first trimester as I’ve not been sleeping well either. I love being at home anyway.
I called the doctors on Monday to ask what I needed to do next. I have my first midwife appointment on the 14th of April, which seems like years away. I will be 8 weeks! It’s a 90-minute appointment but I believe it’s more about telling me what will happen with future appointments and asking about me and my lifestyle.
I’m both scared and excited.
See you next week, I hope.