Unsolicited parenting advice is EVERYWHERE. I feel like there is no getting away from it. Everyone seems to have something to say about how you are parenting your child. It’s so easy to say ‘just tell them to mind their own business but it’s so hard when these people are close friends or family.
One of the worst things about human nature is the need to give unsolicited advice. Not just in parenting, but in many aspects of life.
Sometimes you just want to vent and moan a bit. But there’s nothing worse than having a moan to someone about something and them trying to give unsolicited advice to fix your problem. When you are not in the right mindset, advice isn’t what is needed – just a listening ear.
Most of the time, people just want to have their feelings validated and someone to say ‘yeah, that does sound really crap, sorry you have to deal with that’. The unsolicited advice sounds more like positive toxicity most of the time, rather than just listening to someone and allowing them to feel.
I’m sure you’ve been there when you are complaining to a friend about something and they come back with ‘have you tried THIS’ or ‘how about THAT’ and you end up feeling you are just defending your right to be upset, or defending why all these things won’t work and then feel even worse!
Anyway, I don’t want to get too much into toxic positivity in this post, so let’s get back on track.
Unsolicited parenting advice starts from the moment you find out you are pregnant. As soon as you start talking to people about your pregnancy, your parenting choices, and items you want to buy – you will get an influx of unwanted advice. Annoying pregnancy advice is everywhere.
Why do I hate unsolicited baby advice?
Why is unsolicited advice so annoying? Because unsolicited advice feels like criticism, actually – let’s rephrase that. Unsolicited advice is criticism. It feels like you are doing something wrong. It makes you feel like you are making bad parenting choices and you have no idea what you are doing.
The unwanted advice can come across as patronising and it can take away the excitement about what you are talking about. When you’re telling someone about the cute new outfit you bought for your baby and hit with ‘oh, don’t bother with outfits for babies they won’t wear them’ then you just feel a bit naive and stupid!
So here’s some of the unsolicited parenting advice I received during my pregnancy and having the baby that really made me want to punch people in the face.
Unsolicited advice during pregnancy
Here’s some unsolicited parenting advice examples that I was given.
1. Ginger for morning sickness.
Every time I mentioned feeling sick – everyone kept telling me to eat ginger. EAT GINGER. Try ginger. Hey, have you tried ginger? You should eat some ginger biscuits. What about ginger tea?
Like I hadn’t sent the majority of my first trimester Googling ‘how to get rid of morning sickness’.
I was basically an expert on all morning sickness cures at this point. When I first found out I was pregnant, I felt a bit sick so went to Tesco and bought some ginger beer, ginger tea, ginger biscuits, crystallised ginger to suck on and I ordered some ginger lozenges.
A week into my morning sickness, I had eaten so much ginger that I started to associate it with feeling sick and it made me feel worse. Now, 6 months postpartum, just the smell of ginger makes me want to throw up.
So yes, I have tried ginger for morning sickness. And no, it did not work.
In terms of annoying pregnancy advice, this became one of the worst!
2. You are buying too many baby clothes.
My partner went to Tesco and I asked him to pick some baby clothes out. I was still isolating because I was ‘at risk’ for being pregnant according to Boris. I thought it would be nice for him to pick some things for the baby as I was having to go to all my appointments and scans alone due to Covid restrictions. I wanted him to feel involved!
He picked a dungaree set and a 2 pack of baby grows. I put them on my Instagram stories because I thought it was cute!
Hello, unsolicited pregnancy advice!
I got about 5 DMs telling me I was buying too many clothes. I had put pictures of two other outfits up. So this was 5 outfits altogether and people were saying I bought too many clothes for my baby!
When in fact, I hardly bought anything as my friend gave me loads of stuff from her two sons. We only bought a few bits that we really liked! The rest were given to us.
We then passed all our baby clothes onto our friends who have just had a baby boy so they’ve all had plenty of use!
But people seem to have a bee in their bonnet about how many clothes you buy. When you have a baby, it’s exciting and you want to get cute things for your baby! It’s fine to buy a few outfits for your babe if that’s what you want to do!
I started buying things in bigger sizes. I knew when he was first born, he would just be in vests and sleepsuits.
It really doesn’t hurt to just say something nice, rather than be negative about it. Especially from people, you don’t know that well.
3. Ordering the pram.
My niece got her pram second hand, it was in great condition and really clean. We got the Nuna Mix Bundle (this is the next up version to what we got!) from Mama’s and Papas which is a great travel system, but expensive. So I was telling my other friend how I was hoping to keep it in good condition and sell after.
He laughed and said ‘you won’t keep it in good condition, he’ll be eating and drinking in there and it will get dirty.
We’re 6 months in and it’s in great condition! I don’t see any reason for him to eat in the pram, he’s really not bothered about anything other than looking around and doesn’t even bother playing with pram toys! We’ve stopped using the carrycot part now and it’s in great condition still. We’ll stop using the car seat soon and the rest of the pram still has lots of use but is fine, apart from the wheels are a bit dirty!
4. Getting sleep.
In my third trimester, I was exhausted. I struggled to sleep during most of my pregnancy. In the first trimester, I felt sick all of the time which disrupted my sleep. In the third trimester, I had aches and pains in my legs when I laid down. I was constantly tossing and turning which is so difficult with a baby bump! I also had acid reflux which got worse when I laid down and Leo would kick me all night!
When I complained about how I was tired, I would be met with more unsolicited baby advice. Things like ‘get your sleep in now, you won’t get any when the baby is here’.
Right. I couldn’t even sleep if I wanted to. Plus I knew I wouldn’t sleep when the baby got here because I am not an idiot. I don’t need constant reminders about how much more tired I am going to bed.
People are always so quick to remind you how hard it is having a baby. I always found this unwanted pregnancy advice the most patronising!
Breastfeeding.
5. Get him on a bottle 4 times a day.
I’m quite passionate about breastfeeding. I’m so glad I have a successful and positive breastfeeding story because I know it is not as easy for some people. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the negative comments and advice about breastfeeding!
You hear a lot about women getting criticised for giving their babies formula, but I felt after breastfeeding for a few weeks some people expected me to move to formula. I started to feel like I was the odd one out for still breastfeeding.
I was told by someone that I needed to get him on a bottle at 8 am, 12 pm, 4 pm, 8 pm and then he could sleep through. Erm, no.
I breastfeed on demand. The amount I feed him varies depending on many things. Some days he feeds more than others. I guess it’s like with adults, sometimes we fancy a snack or are hungrier other days!
6. Going for walks will make your milk supply drop.
Apparently, I was supposed to stay in bed as if I walked about too much, my milk supply would reduce. Haha, love a bit of funny unsolicited advice.
I have no idea where this idea came from but I guess mums are just expected to stay in bed all day to be milked.
7. You don’t have enough milk to feed your baby.
This was quite upsetting, but thankfully I am clued up on breastfeeding and I know that when my body doesn’t produce enough milk, my baby will cluster feed so I produce more. I also know that my breasts are always milking milk. They don’t empty.
A lot of people confuse cluster feeding or a baby not sleeping well with not having enough milk to satisfy them. It’s actually really rare for this to happen.
Food & Weaning
8. Put some baby rice in his bottle to make him sleep!
Number one – he doesn’t have a bottle. Number two, baby rice has no nutritional value. Number 3 – it’s not recommended and can be a choking hazard when babies aren’t ready to wean!
9. Give him food to fill him up so he will sleep.
Again, no. Baby’s digestive systems are not mature enough to handle food until they are 6 months old. It’s thought that weaning early is why so many people have digestive problems and food intolerances. It’s also a choking risk when they don’t have the core strength to sit up properly!
But people seemed obsessed with my baby eating.
They also seem to think that my milk isn’t enough and he needs solids so he will sleep.
Sleep
I mean, just the general obsession people have with my child’s sleeping habits is so frustrating. It’s like the first thing people ask – the dreaded question ‘how is he sleeping?’ and it makes me want to get in the bin.
Because my baby is a really poor sleeper. And I’ve done a lot of research into this and know it’s normal for babies to wake regularly for food, it’s also normal for them to need comfort to fall asleep and be close to their caregiver. It’s actually good for them to wake often as it reduces the risk of SIDs.
But we live in a society where a baby is only deemed as ‘a good baby’ if they sleep through the night and in their own bed. If we let them sleep with us to comfort them, we are giving in to their evil and manipulative ways. Rather than seeing our tiny babies as being unable to soothe themselves to sleep and needing a warm and loving cuddle. I actually bedshare now following safe sleep guidelines.
10. Just let him cry!
This is the worst unsolicited parenting advice I’ve gotten, and the advice I’ve gotten the most! I HATE the cry-it-out method. Thankfully, most parents don’t do it now. But previous generations did and it’s still common advice given to younger generations.
Studies have shown that leaving a baby to cry causes stress in both the mum and baby. When they cry themselves to sleep, they withdraw and give up on the hope that you are coming back. It can also cause babies to be unable to deal with stress later in life and struggle with relationships. Being responsive to your baby’s cries and tending to their needs makes them feel secure and helps them to develop better relationships when older.
It’s completely normal for them to seek comfort from someone they love in the middle of the night!
So no, I am not letting my baby cry. The sound of him crying makes me want to die anyway, so I will comfort him as much as he needs and I won’t be made to feel bad of ‘soft’ for doing so. It makes me so sad to think of him crying for me and then giving up on the hope that I am coming back. I need to go and hug him right now!
Yes, it is, hard having a baby that is a poor sleeper, but it’s only temporary.
11. You need to get him in his own cot.
Another obsession is the obsession of getting him to sleep in his own room. NHS guidelines are that they should sleep in the same room as you for at least 6 months to reduce to risk of SIDS.
Some people think that’s even crazy! But thanks, he will move to his cot when we are both ready. It’s not going to be forever and I actually love waking up to his beautiful face and smile – he gives the best smiles every morning when he sees me for the first time. I get sad that this stage of his life will soon be over. So I don’t ned this unwanted baby advice, please.
12. He needs to stop napping on you.
My baby contact naps 90% of the time. I would love it if he would sleep in his cot so I can get stuff done. But he won’t. I’ve tried putting him his cot loads and never succeeded. I sometimes manage to get him on the sofa, but maybe once or twice a week?
I’ve just had to accept he needs to sleep on me. How evil and manipulative of him to want a hug from his mum? He clearly is the devil, right?
Again, this is only temporary. Every so often I will try it, but then he wakes up and can’t get back to sleep then gets overtired. It’s just not always worth it. Once a day I try to get him to sleep in his cot and he wakes up as soon as try to get out of the nursing chair. So that’s fun!
For now, I’m just enjoying the time cuddling him and watching him sleep.
What does Twitter say about unsolicited parenting advice?
I asked Twitter what unsolicited parenting advice they received, as I know I’m not on my own in receiving unwanted parenting advice! Here’s examples of unsolicited advice from parents:
Unsolicited Advice Examples
Natalie Valerie
– Don’t breastfeed past 12 months so we can take the baby and help out.
– Don’t let him sleep in your bed, he’ll never sleep on his own otherwise
– Mix rusks into his feeds to fill his belly –
– If he’s having trouble sleeping give him some Calpol before, bed I could go on!
Probably a personal preference but people constantly told me my partner should massage me during labour. ‘It will make you feel better. It will take the pain away’ they said… No, it didn’t. If anything, it was a bit weird.
I bought a new bag from Zara, a small-ish, cross body and was told that it was a silly purchase once I have a changing bag to carry too I’ve always had it separate. You don’t just have to give up bags because you have a child
To pop a cotton Bud up Fred’s arse to relieve constipation
Along Came Rosie
Hiding behind my counter throwing up in a bag and being told to try ginger biscuits – medication isn’t working and I’ve tried every ginger product going but thanks
“You don’t even know how much worse it will be!” Like WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
At the moment for me it’s: “Sleep all you can now, you won’t get much when the baby arrives.” Like one, I know I’m going to be tired. Two, the laws of human biology mean you can’t STORE UP SLEEP LIKE A BANK, ACTUALLY.
“The housework can wait”… Wait for what? No one else was going to do it. I kind of get what they were saying, but if I didn’t keep on top of it then I’d have had nothing to cook with or eat off and baby would quickly run out of clothes!
As you can see, I’m not the only one to suffer from unsolicited parenting advice!
How to respond to unsolicited parenting advice
When faced with unsolicited parenting advice, try to handle the situation with tact and grace. Here are some suggestions on how to respond:
- Stay calm and composed: Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you have the right to make your own parenting decisions. It’s essential to remain calm and not let the unsolicited advice overwhelm you.
- Listen politely: Give the person offering the advice an opportunity to express their thoughts. Show that you are listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding occasionally. This can help diffuse the situation and show respect for their perspective.
- Evaluate the advice: Consider the advice objectively, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with it. Reflect on whether it aligns with your parenting values, goals, and your child’s unique needs. Remember, you are the best judge of what’s right for your child.
- Express appreciation: Even if you choose not to follow the advice, it’s still important to thank the person for their input. Acknowledge their intention to help and express gratitude for their concern. This can help maintain a positive and respectful tone during the conversation.
- Set boundaries: If you feel comfortable doing so, you can politely explain that you have your own approach to parenting and prefer to make decisions based on your own research and intuition. Let them know that while you appreciate their input, you have things under control. This is THE MOST important point.
- Change the subject: If the advice continues despite your gratitude and explanation, it might be helpful to change the topic of conversation. Shift the focus to something unrelated to parenting, diverting the discussion away from advice-giving.
- Seek support from your community: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or other parents who share your parenting values. Discussing your concerns and experiences with them can provide validation and helpful advice when you actually seek it.
Remember, ultimately, you have the final say in your parenting choices. Trust yourself and be confident in the decisions you make for your child.
Of course, if the person giving the unwanted parenting advice, you may need to take a more direct approach. It’s okay to say ‘I am not looking for advice on this, thanks, I am happy with our current routine’. This works especially well when you find yourself trying to explain why their advice won’t work and it turns into a bit of a debate. Just say no thank you and change the subject!
The advice I give to new parents.
Now I am a mum, I’ve been so careful not to advise others who are pregnant or new mums. I’ve got a few friends that are pregnant or have just had a baby. Rather than give them advice without asking, I always just let them know they can ask me anything! I don’t jump down their throats with the advice they’ve not asked for.
For example, if my friend showed me a cute outfit or mentioned buying clothes, I’d just say something like ‘he’s going to be so cute in that outfit! Let me know if you want me to show you some items that we used a lot!’. Rather than ‘don’t buy this, don’t buy that’. It comes from a place of helpfulness rather than patronising them.
Sometimes new parents need to figure some things out on their own and that’s okay. Plus, not everyone is the same. We all have different preferences and different needs. There might be something I thought was a waste of money, but others love! We’ve bought some things that we haven’t used, but I know other’s have.
One baby might go to sleep quickly to white noise, where others need feeding to sleep – they’re all different.
It’s important to remember that just because you have kids that have survived, doesn’t mean you are a parenting God and know everything. It’s also important to remember that the guidelines change so fast as we learn more and more about babies and their development! A lot of the things my mum used to do are absolutely not okay now!
Have you ever been given unsolicited parenting advice?
Also, this post was 3000 words all about unwanted parenting advice. So thank you to anyone who’s actually read it all!
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Rather interesting, definitely keeping these in mind when I start having a family of my own.
Candice x
Yes to all of this! I’ve not heard of the walking reduces your supply thing, that’s a new one on me. But everything else I’ve heard and agree, it’s a load of rubbish! Unsolicited parenting advice is the worst.
I feel like now I’m a mum I make a really conscious effort with that I’m saying to other mums/mums to be. I feel like I don’t really offer much ‘advice’ more an ear to listen.
PS. The sleep thing during the third trimester cracked me up! I’d totally forgotten about that one. Haha. I wonder if I’ll get that this time around *insert biggest eye roll everrrrrr*
Claire. X
http://www.clairemac.co.uk
Loved reading this! I am not a mum yet, but have seen it done with so many people around and in the family! I am always amazed by how people think that their experience is better than others or they know better, when everyone has a different one! x
I was watching your twitter thread as you were putting this together and having a litte chuckle to myself. I’m yet to have my own baby but some of this advice is wild! People think they’re helping but actually it’s like: keep your advice to yourself!
Rosie
I’m not a parent but I saw some of the critism that some people in my family had towards my sister’s when they were pregnant. It honestly baffling to me that people think it’s acceptable or okay to make comments on how someone else looks after their child! Fab post x
I loved reading this! I’m not a parent but it was interesting and helpful to hear your views and experiences so I know what to expect if that time ever comes for me xx
This post is such an interesting read. I’m not a parent yet but I totally understand this. Thank you for sharing your views on what to say and what not to say to a nursing mum. This is a learning process, thank you so much
This is so annoying, unsolicited advice is the worst! I think being a parent is hard enough without people being self-righteous about it. I love this post and I’m sure other parents will relate- you do you, you’ve got this xx
I don’t have kids of my own but I imagine this would annoy me too. I have two cats and mental illness, so I am always getting unsolicited advice in that regard.
People do like to stick their noses in.
I have never heard that “Going for walks will make your milk supply drop”. lol In fact I have heard the opposite. Go for walks for a bit of fresh air and exercise. x
I so resonated with this post! I’m 32 weeks pregnant and while I haven’t had to listen to too much of this kind of thing, the bit of it I’ve had to listen to has seriously pissed me off. “Have you talked to the doctor about why you’re so tired?” Um, I’m pregnant? “You should put an undershirt on the baby, he’ll be cold otherwise.” I was planning to, thanks. “If you think you’re uncomfortable, just wait.” Oh, so the next 8 weeks will be worse? Thanks for pointing out the obvious. “If you can’t breast feed, don’t force it.” I’m not planning to, but I am going to try and that means waiting out an adjustment period. But again, thanks. “Buy lots of sleepers, he might poop in them.” Later, “You bought too many sleepers.” And the baby isn’t even born!! Can’t wait for more of this.
Oh my God, I remember so many of these when I was pregnant and after I’d had Flora. The thing is, you’re pretty vulnerable anyway, not to mention physically wrecked, so it’s really hard not to get overwhelmed. Looking back, I’m pretty sure most people meant well, but I do wish they’d just kept their “advice” to themselves!
Really loving the honesty in this post! All 3000 words made me smile and frown, especially because you share such personal stories and examples of the advice you were given. It is super easy to just give out advice, but I feel you on being overwhelmed by it all.
The only advice I will ever give in general is that every experience is different from every experience that came before and trusting my instincts is the best way I can move forward.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Oh yes I’ve heard some of this advice myself! I remember feeling so pleased once when the hospital taught me a “trick” that helped with putting every baby to sleep and I passed it onto a friend who was asking for help as she was struggling with getting her little one to sleep, and of course she had already tried it and it didn’t work for her. The nurse had seemed so sure so I was sad it didn’t help. then I had my second, and of course I tried this “unfailable” trick, and it didn’t work! Every baby really is different!
I think perfecting the smile and nod and going “uh-huh” when we get the advice is one thing pregnancy teaches us well!
Hope that your week is off to a good start 🙂
This was great to read, it’s brought back so many memories of unsolicited advice. I remember telling my family we were expecting and one member asked if I’d sorted childcare/thought about how expensive it was?! Then when people said to let the baby cry it is heart wrenching because you just want to comfort them! My friend is currently pregnant and I’ve just said if she needs anything then to let me know, rather than bombarding her with ‘advice’! It’s a completely new experience when you’re first time and you don’t want to feel sh*t about the way you’re doing things!
I hate it too and I’m not even a father yet haha. You don’t want advice when it makes you feel a bad parent.
Gosh. It is pretty depressing. I read all of it and I’m surprised by how many stupid things one can hear. That advice, about getting sleep before the baby is born I heard it before I got my dog, a 3 month-old puppy. Well, as you said, it’s not like I can store sleep, also it’s temporary.
I hope you feel better now, after this vent. Sending hugs xx
I can totally relate to this! Unwarranted advice can sometimes put extra pressure on an already stressful time.
xoxo
Lovely
http://www.mynameislovely.com
When I was visiting my boyfriend’s mother with our few month old daughter, it was a stressful time because they ALWAYS agrued because she continously gave unsolicited advice and it seemed like we were terrible parents…
I got the you should sleep when the baby is sleeping advice and I do not see how that works because there was often a things I needed to do when she was sleeping. Also the advice to leave the baby to cry is frustrating because there is a reason why the baby is crying!!!
I’m not a parent so I can’t speak to the annoyance from that perspective but I know that I immediately get frustrated when unsolicited advice is thrown my way. The whole, “have you tried …?” is exhausting as the chances are, yes, I’ve tried that and many other things! Thanks for sharing!
Oh god I hate it all already!
I’m literally into my second trimester for first baby and want to scream at all of the crap advice people keep giving me
I’m not a parent, or likely to become one anytime soon, but I can completely understand how frustrating this type of thing must be! Firstly, I just hate being told what to do, period. If I didn’t ask for advice, 99% of the time I won’t take yours (even if it’s good) just out of spite haha! But secondly, parenting is such a personal thing, and supposed to be such an exciting time for you! I hate the idea of people thinking they know more about your relationship with your child than they do, so weird. People really need to stay in their lane, as if you can buy *too many* cute clothes for a baby!
Thank you, I have a 8bmonth old and I was laughing at this so much it’s all true. So funny when you said it made you want to get in the bin hahaha I love it it’s all true and finally good to read my thoughts on a screen. Thank you for helping me to feel better. I have been really offended by all the “advice I have got and it can affect how you feel about yourself and your baby.”