I find expressing emotions really difficult. It’s a bit weird because I’m very good at articulating how I feel in written words, or talking to others about their how they feel, but when it comes to being face to face with a person and talking about how I feel, I’d rather jump off a bridge into a raging pit of fire and snakes and spiders and eternal doom.
I guess that’s why I blog. LOLZ.
I recently had a conversation with a family member about it. Via messages, of course. Because I’m not the only member of my family who is like this.
My brothers do it and it’s showing through in the personality of some of my nieces and nephews now that they’re older.
We can be described as a lot of things: independent, cold, calm, laid back, reasonable, emotionless, easy going, someone that just doesn’t care.
I have no idea how my siblings feel it as we’re not exactly the type that gets together and talks about our feelings, but I can share mine.
When somebody tells me they love me to my face, it’s like I’m stood on the top of a cliff. I’m right to the edge and I’m terrified. Someone is telling me they love me and waiting for my reaction and it’s like I’m being told to jump. But I can’t.
You know how when you are about to do something terrifying? Go down a massive water slide, step onto a roller coaster or jump out of a plane? How your mind is saying COME ON BE BRAVE AND DO IT but your body is like NO WAY, idiot!
You know what to say, you know you should say it your whole physical being is rebelling against you.
This is how it feels when someone wants to talk about emotions.
It’s easier to avoid eye contact, change the subject or say something like ‘LOLOL don’t be a soft cunt’ in attempts to avoid the situations.
It’s easier to laugh at their expression of emotion than it is to express our own.
It’s hard to see that by doing this, I’m hurting those around me that care about me and want me to give something back. I’m that focused on trying to get out of this situation that’s making me feel uneasy that I’m not thinking about how being so cold and nonchalant.
I think I’m like this out of fear. I believe I have some form of trust issues – part of that stems from feeling like I’m about to get hurt and be let down by others. To the point that I can’t let go of this fear and show my emotions.
It’s much easier to deal with being let down or rejected if you’ve not let someone in. It’s easier to deal with being disliked if you’ve not shown someone how vulnerable you are.
It’s one reason why I’ve had a few failed relationships, due to being distant or unable to show emotion, even if I really want to. I find it easier to connect with some people than others.
I have no idea why I’m even writing this or what I hope you’ll gain from reading it.
I guess, it’s a way to explain how it feels from my point of view. So if you know, care about or love someone that has massive barriers up, there are feelings behind there and I can promise you they probably hold a lot of guilt for being unable to give you what you want.
It’s like a silent scream and being so scared you can’t move. It’s the feeling that everyone is going to jump ship when they see what’s on the inside if you dare to let them and then your theory is going to be proved right.
So just be patient with them. They know they’re hurting you.
It’s hurting them, too.
But they just can’t do anything about it.