lifestyle

Why I’m a cold hearted ice queen that won’t let anyone in.

5 things (87)

I find expressing emotions really difficult. It’s a bit weird because I’m very good at articulating how I feel in written words, or talking to others about their how they feel, but when it comes to being face to face with a person and talking about how I feel, I’d rather jump off a bridge into a raging pit of fire and snakes and spiders and eternal doom.

I guess that’s why I blog. LOLZ.

I recently had a conversation with a family member about it. Via messages, of course. Because I’m not the only member of my family who is like this.

My brothers do it and it’s showing through in the personality of some of my nieces and nephews now that they’re older.

We can be described as a lot of things: independent, cold, calm, laid back, reasonable, emotionless, easy going, someone that just doesn’t care.

I have no idea how my siblings feel it as we’re not exactly the type that gets together and talks about our feelings, but I can share mine.

how it feels being an emotional cripple

When somebody tells me they love me to my face, it’s like I’m stood on the top of a cliff. I’m right to the edge and I’m terrified. Someone is telling me they love me and waiting for my reaction and it’s like I’m being told to jump. But I can’t.

You know how when you are about to do something terrifying? Go down a massive water slide, step onto a roller coaster or jump out of a plane? How your mind is saying COME ON BE BRAVE AND DO IT but your body is like NO WAY, idiot!

You know what to say, you know you should say it your whole physical being is rebelling against you.

This is how it feels when someone wants to talk about emotions.

It’s easier to avoid eye contact, change the subject or say something like ‘LOLOL don’t be a soft cunt’ in attempts to avoid the situations.

It’s easier to laugh at their expression of emotion than it is to express our own.

It’s hard to see that by doing this, I’m hurting those around me that care about me and want me to give something back. I’m that focused on trying to get out of this situation that’s making me feel uneasy that I’m not thinking about how being so cold and nonchalant.

I think I’m like this out of fear. I believe I have some form of trust issues – part of that stems from feeling like I’m about to get hurt and be let down by others. To the point that I can’t let go of this fear and show my emotions.

It’s much easier to deal with being let down or rejected if you’ve not let someone in. It’s easier to deal with being disliked if you’ve not shown someone how vulnerable you are.

It’s one reason why I’ve had a few failed relationships, due to being distant or unable to show emotion, even if I really want to. I find it easier to connect with some people than others.

I have no idea why I’m even writing this or what I hope you’ll gain from reading it.

I guess, it’s a way to explain how it feels from my point of view. So if you know, care about or love someone that has massive barriers up, there are feelings behind there and I can promise you they probably hold a lot of guilt for being unable to give you what you want.

It’s like a silent scream and being so scared you can’t move. It’s the feeling that everyone is going to jump ship when they see what’s on the inside if you dare to let them and then your theory is going to be proved right.

So just be patient with them. They know they’re hurting you.

It’s hurting them, too.

But they just can’t do anything about it.

Untitled3 copy
If you like what you see, please sign up to my newsletter below and follow me on Twitter and Bloglovin so you don’t miss out on updates!

Keep up to date with my newsletter




1. noun: a female blogger that writes about her own experiences, observations and opinions. 2. verb: to act like a complete idiot or to do something stupid. e.g: She did a Corinne.

14 Comments

  • Ada

    I totally agree with this. It’s hard getting away with it and going about my business when so many people are incessant hug freaks. I don’t like the over emphasis on human contact that’s so prevalent. That being said I do have a lot of feelings- I’m just not great at articulating them.

  • Shireen L. Platt

    Oh Corinne, I just want to give you a big hug and yes, I am aware that you don’t like people touching you so a virtual hug it shall be. You’re sweet and a great friend and I can feel that through all your posts that I have read. Yes, you are not perfect but aren’t we all? xx

  • Alice

    I definitely relate to this post, especially having your guard up to try and avoid disappointment or being hurt. But I’m trying to open up to people who are worthy: those who care enough to ask me how I am and support me when things are hard. There will be people who you feel more comfortable talking to eventually… I’m sure you’ll find them.

    alicered.co.uk

  • Amy

    Oh my god Corinne, I am exactly like this! I find it so difficult to express my emotions to people and hate talking about myself which I think is why I’ve always taken on the agony aunt role in my friend group! I’m so glad you wrote this post, it’s nice to know others are this way too!
    Amy xx
    http://www.callmeamy.co.uk

  • Rowena @ rolala loves

    I hope that writing all this down and putting it out there will also help you in some way Corrine. It can’t be easy to have such barriers and not be able to put your emotions out there but I can also understand not wanting to opening yourself up to being vulnerable. I have problems with trust too but the good people in my life make it worth it. I’m sure you must have some too.

  • Akaleistar

    Ah, I have a heard time talking about my feelings, too. There have been points in my life where I’ve had to write people long letters in order to say what I feel because when it comes to talking, the words just disappear. I really like that you shared this because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like a cold hearted ice queen.

  • Arianne

    I struggle with this so much. I put up giant barriers so no one can enter. I look like a heartless witch, but honestly, I’ve known nothing but anger and self-loathing. What else was there? Love? Compassion? What are those things?

  • Anca

    Don’t worry, you are not the only one. I know how it is. I don’t want to express my feelings and I have issues with public displays of emotions (mine, directed at me or just in general, it makes me feel uncomfortable). It might be funny, but I have no issues with displaying affection to animals, I might kiss a dog (not mine) or cuddle a cat, but that is different.

  • Aimee

    Gosh, I can really relate to this. Myself, and my mum, are much the same in that we find it very hard to talk about how we are feeling, or express emotions. It’s very much a family thing when it comes to my family. I usually make a joke out of everything, to be honest, and definitely some of it is down to trust issues. Thanks for sharing your story. I think you’ll find there are more of us out there like you than you think. xx

  • Jess

    Well, this is me. It’s kind of a running joke (the sort that isn’t really funny) with my best friend from uni that I can’t talk about feelings unless we’ve drunk a bottle of rum… He always knows something’s up when I request a rum date… It’s definitely a trust/vulnerability thing for me, too.

  • Thuy

    There was a time while I was in university when I rejected all negative emotions. I didn’t want to feel them. And I much preferred hurting other people to having them hurt me. But I became desensitized. I just had like a flatline of emotion. You can say I barely felt anything. Not even real joy. I thought that was emotional strength – to not feel negative emotions. Well, it was a method I preferred. Eventually, I took action on what my brain was telling me and that was, “It’s okay to feel negative emotions. It’s a part of the natural human range of emotions. What matters is if you can get up after you’re down.” So I started changing, slowly, but surely. It was hard at first though because you’re not used to accepting your emotions so it feels like a bunch of water breaking through a dam at first. You’re weak. You crumble a fuck ton. But eventually you get tougher. Like, actually, truly, emotionally tough.

    Even to this day, where I’ve progressed and show my emotions, I do feel like I don’t like being very weak in times of serious struggle. I’m not ashamed at crying at the most random commercial or an instrumental or reading some sappy passage of words but at a family death? I refuse. I don’t want to. Part of it too is just simply because I don’t have the actual urge to share a lot of my feelings as opposed to feeling them and refusing to share them. I actually don’t get the urge! I only share my most immediate feelings with my boyfriend who it seems very natural to since he’s so integrated in my life. HOPE YOU ENJOY THE BLOCK OF TEXT LMAO and can relate 🙂

    http://www.dressupchowdown.com

  • Lucy

    It’s difficult, especially if you have been hurt in the past. But you have to give some of yourself to grow and be loved. Maybe over time it happens and you feel less vulnerable Lucy x

  • Eleanor

    I’ve always been the one so vulnerable and open to everyone and I’m often concerned it scares people off. Think there’s some comfort for me in your words at the end as I’ve always felt like its me and my personality (i’m always scared I’m boring, dull etc.).

    eleanor

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.