Being a kid is weird, isn’t it?
I remember all the dumb shit I used to do.
Like one time, I was in my older brothers bedroom and he was watching TV on the bed with his girlfriend. I remember I thought it would be a great idea to draw on the side of his bed with my felt tip. All of a sudden, his girlfriend said ‘Corinne’s quiet’ and looked down at me. She saw what I was doing and gasped.
It was at that point I realised what I was doing was naughty, I started crying and tried to clean it off with soap and toilet paper from my bathroom. My older brother was a complete dick and went and told my Mum. I got a right bollocking.
As well as doing dumb stuff, I used to believe in dumb stuff and have many irrational fears which I appear to have pulled out of the air from nothing.
Here are some of them.
I had a bad case of head lice when I was 11. It seemed to take ages to get read of them, my Mum would have to put lotion on my head every night for what seemed like weeks.
I was mortified. I didn’t tell a soul.
Since then, I would obsessively check my hair with the nit comb every week until I was about 17. I also would only use tea tree shampoo and would take my hairbrush to school and constantly brush my hair because I heard that brushing your hair could help kill nits if you managed to attract a random one.
You know, worms in your intestines. In your poo. Well, I was convinced I had them SO MANY TIMES. All the time, in fact. I only had a vague idea of what they were and imagined big worms coming out of my bum.
Every tickle and every itch was confirmation that I was full of worms.
This is where I drove myself a bit mental.
I thought for some reason that time only passed when you were awake. So if you were not conscious, no time passed at all. Therefore there were millions of universes all excising in different times. I would go to sleep on an evening, then if my friend slept for a shorter amount of time than me, she would be further forward in time than me.
I think this is why I could never sleep on Christmas eve. I wanted Christmas to come sooner but it never did. Everyone else was already enjoying Christmas and I was still trying to sleep.
Similar to time paradoxes, but not as easy to explain. This only really makes sense in my head. But I’ll try.
If I was walking down the street with a friend and she went one way around a lamp post and I went the other, we would somehow be in different dimensions of space because something had become between our connections.
I guess I had an idea that everyone was tired together by imaginary strings, and if something became between us, the stings would break.
I spent a lot of time trying to be on the same side of a lamp post/traffic cone/fence/person as other people. This led to odd behaviour.
Real life Truman Show child.
Before the Truman Show was a real movie, I thought that’s what my life was. Being the egocentric idiot that I am, I thought when I left someones house, they’d turn on the TV to a magic channel and watch me.
When I was alone, I used to act as if people were watching me so be careful not to do anything inappropriate, like pick my nose or itch my wormy bum.
This led to me being constipated a lot.
What weird shit did do or think as a child?