I’m proper funny about being touched. As in, I do not like it. The only person who gets away with touching me is my boyfriend. The rest of you lot need to stay away.
I’ve struggled with this all my life. I live in a touchy feely world and I am not a touchy feely person. Here are some of my daily struggles..
Spa days are my nightmare.
Every time a friend says ‘let’s have a spa day!’ A cringe. I cannot think of anything worse than being rubbed by a stranger.
Being haunted by the Hokey Cokey.
I remember family parties as a child, being dragged on the dance floor. Sober dancing is the worst and of course I was sober, I was 5. But having to hold hands when the Hokey Cokey was on made me want to drink as a way to cope.
Don’t whisper to me.
Whispering means you have to get super close and I am super freaking out. WhatsApp me instead hun.
Having the talk.
There have been a few times in my life I’ve had to pull an affectionate friend aside and ask them not to touch me. If we’ve not seen each other for years, a hug is expected and I know I should put up with this awkward exchange. But we see each other every day, gerroff me.
That moment when you are saying farewell to someone and you are unsure of if they are going to go in for the hug or not. This is when I try to make myself as unapproachable as possible. Crossed arms, ready to take a step back. Just hug my nervous smile with your eyes.
The cheek kiss.
I once panicked so much when a senior manager went to kiss me on the cheek at work that I moved my head and we almost kissed on the lips. Now we first bump.
Dealing with a cryer.
‘I would hug you right but I don’t want to’ is my usual line when a friend is upset. I am the best friend ever.
Having to defend yourself.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with me – I just don’t like being touched and don’t see why you feel the need to touch me. I don’t know where you’ve been, you could be ryte mucky.