Some people don’t like me because I’m antisocial.
I laughed this one when someone told me. Because that’s the type of person I am.
I’ve created a persona where I openly admit to being anti-social, to being awkward and to hating everyone.
I have a persona where I don’t care.
So of course, when someone revealed to me that some people don’t like me because I’m antisocial, my response was typical:
LOL. Don’t care.
We then both laughed it off.
When I got home that night, I felt a little sad.
Not so much that these people didn’t like me. More because the lack of control I have over changing the way I am. That the way I am comes across as anti-social and rude and there is nothing I can do about it.
Well, I am sure there are some things I could do, but it is outside of my comfort zone and goes against my natural nature.
Some people amaze me. The type of people that can walk around and say good morning to everyone. It reminds me of TV shows or the movies, where popular people walk into a room and everyone says HI to them and it seems amazing. Like they’re famous, all glowy and happy and everyone wants to talk to them.
When I walk into a room, I never know where to look and struggle between avoiding everyone and trying to make eye contact with someone and do an awkward smile.
In new social situations, I find myself thinking too much about my body language that I can’t follow the conversation. I’m making sure I’m making eye contact but not staring. I try to smile, but not too much. I don’t want to look bored or open but I can’t concentrate on this and follow the conversation, never mind contribute.
I’m aware I come across bored, like I don’t care. Rude.
But the truth is I’m just shy and I have trouble connecting with unfamiliar people.
I’m 30 years old and I don’t know what to do about it.