lifestyle,  self improvement

Do you make excuses for others?

Making excuses for others

I feel quite lucky, actually. Because it’s just dawned on me that I have a whole bunch of people that come and read what I’ve got to say – some of you even care and leave me some fantastic comments about things you’ve experienced. I love that. It sometimes feels a bit of a waste when I post about dresses and makeup when I could be using this chance to talk about things that have puzzled me my whole life. Things that have made me feel like a bloody weirdo. And see if you feel like a weirdo, too.

So that’s what I’m going to do today. Then we can all be weirdos together.

You game?

Of course you are!

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like to think of myself as a laid back person.

Whether that is true or not, remains to be seen – does anyone who knows me in real life care to vouch for that? HELLO IRL FRIENDS! I feel like I’m either really laid back about some things, or overly angry/aggressive/stabby about others. But that’s a different story.

Making excuses for others. 

For today, kids, we’re talking about my tendency to make excuses for others.

When I say make excuses for others – I usually mean when they’ve been disrespectful towards me in some ways and then I try to justify their actions to other people. Just so I don’t appear to be hurt or look like I’m being a push over. Which I totally am. I have no balls.

When I mean being disrespectful, I mean things like:

  • cancelled plans.
  • ignored me.
  • found someone better.
  • spoke badly about me behind my back.
  • forgot about something we had planned.
  • said something nasty to me.
  • being indifferent towards me.
  • using me for some reason or other.
  • being a fucking dick.

Childhood Doom.

This whole thing started when I was really young.

I felt different as a child. And I’m sure a lot of you will be like OMG I FELT DIFFERENT TOO! Like life wasn’t real, there was a big secret everyone knew but I didn’t, or I was on a real life Truman Show.

I’m starting to realise that a lot of us feel like we’re different, odd, outcast, weird, awkward. But really, we all those things at some point. But no one really talks about it until their older.

Often, a friend would arrange to come to my house and cancel last minute. I’d arrange to meet up with someone and they wouldn’t show. I’d be spoken over in a group, laughed at, talked about and teased.

and I’d just stand there and take it because I was the typical kid that just wanted to be accepted and not cause conflict.

There was this one boy that was friends with one of the kids on our street that I would hang out with. He would come once a week and spend the whole time telling me that nobody liked me. ‘GO HOME, CORINNE. NOBODY EVEN LIKES YOU’. He used to pronounce my name wrong, too. It really made me feel really shit about myself that he did that. Also, thinking back, nobody ever told him to STFU. Maybe they didn’t like me..

So, all these things started to make me realise that people let other people down. A lot. It make me feel like a highly disposable person that didn’t matter.

Meaningful, replaceable, nothing.

I remember clearly one Saturday getting a phone call from a friend asking if I wanted to come over and play with her and her sisters. Our parents agreed and my Dad took me over to their house. When I got there, they said ‘We asked Becky and Samantha first, but they couldn’t come so we asked you’. Oh right, i feel wonderful now.

Things got really awkward when I stopped telling my parents about any plans I had until the last moment.

This is because I’d be too embarrassed if the plans fell through. Mortified that they would think their daughter was a loser.

It’s like I started to expect people to be unreliable, so I wouldn’t believe a plan would actually happen until we had met up.

Adult Doom.

This has somehow transitioned into my adult life – something I REALLY struggle with is confirming plans first. If I make plans with someone, I find it so hard to speak to that person close to the time and as something as simple as ‘are we still on for tonight?’.

I have some irrational fear that we’re going to not remember the plans and think I’ve crazy for making them up.

Totally irrational, right?

I wish I could say when I got older, this stopped happening. But I’ve had recent doom that has reinforced feeling –  At the start of summer, I went on a few dates with a guy – and we had arranged to meet for drinks one evening. I grew some balls and asked him if we were still on, as he mentioned that he had a cricket match after work. The response I got was ?????

I went back and screen shotted the conversation when he had asked to meet and we had arranged a time and date. He said he was drunk and didn’t remember – needless to say, that was one of the last times we spoke.

That really hurt me, you know. Things like that always have and I think they always will.

I like to think that now I’m older, I won’t allow myself to be treated that way, but it seems to be a reoccurring theme that I can’t seem to shake. And while I’m getting much better at cutting out the unreliable people out of my life that make me feel worthless, I’m not 100% there yet.

Luckily, I have a great set of friends to tell me when I’m being an idiot and should just let people go.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?

Untitled3

1. noun: a female blogger that writes about her own experiences, observations and opinions. 2. verb: to act like a complete idiot or to do something stupid. e.g: She did a Corinne.

35 Comments

  • Sarah

    When I was a teen I had a group of ‘friends’ who, on a daily basis, would ‘banter’ with me. But they were my ‘friends’ so I put up with it. It was ‘fun’. They never stuck up for me or stepped in when I was bullied, and would often ignore me because they were suddenly getting attention from the popular girls. It really messed with my head, I had no-one else except these girls and most of the time they were great to be around (but boy do I see a lot of those times differently now!). We lost touch after school and about 10+ years later, thanks to Facebook, we all met up again. As ADULTS they took high delight in recalling all the times they ‘got one over on me’ or how they would prank-call my house to wind my mum and get me in trouble. They all fell about the pub like it was hysterical and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t seeing the funny side of it all those years later. They told me things I’d only suspected were actually true and I couldn’t believe they’d actually treated me like that – and now thought it was funny! I’d made all these excuses my whole life about what great friends I’d had in school, but I guess I knew all along they were dicks, I just needed them to confirm it.

    Thing is, I still find myself making excuses for my ‘friends’ now. I think I do it because I’m either scared of losing people or I’m scared I’ll find out they haven’t really been my friend all along.

    Sarah 🙂
    Saloca in Wonderland

    • Corinne

      Oh wow! That’s awful! I would hope that if I met up with some of those friends now, they would feel a bit bad about what they did to me! Not that they would find it funny! I often felt like the scape goat amongst friends, I could easily write another post on this, which I think I might!

  • KizzyDoll

    I used to make excuses for others, but I don’t any more. I had to stop as I realised it was doing them good, but not doing me any good. And sometimes when you make too many excuses for people, they just take that as a chance to keep doing whatever they want xx

  • Cat

    Ugh I struggle with this so much. I actually have a post drafted out that I’ve been too nervous to publish about how I’ve always been the “loser” among my “friends”. I was always left out of plans and always the one who sit awkwardly at the lunch table because people didn’t really want to make enough room for me. It sucks that I still don’t have a great group of friends that make an effort to be a friend or hang out. Makes me feel like a loser that nobody likes :/

  • Jackie Harrison

    I never tolerate anyone who try and I mean try to put me down I always state to them look at yourself and see if you meet that standard before judging others. 100% of the time they realize is their green with envy and no other reason been like this since I was a child my mom always said this is by little tough one. I think we should just stand for what we believe in.

  • Shireen L. Platt

    That sounds horrid, Corinne and I’m sorry that you went through that. Must say it never happened to me because I’m very vocal about stuff and frankly, I never give much crap about what others say about me. I’ll just do my own thang.

  • Ela

    First of all, I should say you are not alone! It happened to me so many times that I stopped thinking about it. I used to cancel my other plans just to not let a friend down however now when I look back, I was such a fool because they never did the same. Whoever does that isn’t a true friend at all and if someone keeps doing that to me, I end up doing the same! I try not to tolerate people hurting me and putting me down! x

    http://www.elabellaworld.com

    • Corinne

      Yeah, I would be the same, it’s frustrating when you keep days open for people but then they make other plans! I did it over and over again. No more!

  • Noor Unnahar

    I had never been a solely friends’ person as I would always be hanging out with my twin sister and we had mutual friends. But college was different and I had to meet a bunch of different people every day who would be nice at the first meeting, but nasty on the other day. So it felt very weird at first, but I got used to it. Some people don’t deserve any attention at all.

  • Suze The Luxury Columnist

    I think there are a lot of unreliable people out there. I give people the benefit of the doubt once or twice but if it’s a regular occurrence then I know to avoid them. As for people who talk about others, Audrey Hepburn wisely said: You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him

  • Velvet Blush

    I can imagine what it must have been like going through this, it’s terrible when you spend so much time on someone and they have an agenda the whole time. But I know this, that you are a much better person than those people! They were probably just trying to bring you down because they don’t know any better, but you’re a lovely person 🙂

    Velvet Blush | Beauty Giveaway

  • kezzie

    What total twits you had as friends!!! That is awful!!! And the drunk loser did not deserve your time. I’ve always been slightly eccentric so I’m sure that I may have experienced this more than I realise but also I have to confess, I really was so wrapped up in the busyness of my own world as a child and teen, that I probably didn’t realise. There was a time as a teen where I developed a friendship group which started from some girls in my windband tour. They all went to the grammar school and didn’t live near me so I spent many weekends at parties with them. The windband girls were lovely but it was as the group developed to include their other friends from school and more guys from the boys grammar school that I started to feel a bit excluded at times. They went clubbing at this over 18 club but didn’t invite me as they didn’t think I’d get in (most were the year above me. I was 14.) And I was the one who was really awkward around boys. So quite simply, I stopped hanging out with them and started to hang out with my viola girls from the orchestra who never excluded me and I went clubbing with them etc! I’ve always had loads of little friendship cells because I was in so many different activities (around about 8music ensembles) so this is why I think I hadn’t experienced it so much. I’ve always been on the periphery of many different groups.
    NowAdays, I don’t actually hang out with friends that often which is quite sad. Since being a teacher (and getting married), I’ve just not been so good at socializing so much.Xx
    Whoa, long comment!!! Thus, a brilliant post as it prompted such a response!!!!Xx

    • Corinne

      That sucks that they didn’t want to hang out with you as they thought you wouldn’t get in clubs!

      I had a few friendship cells myself as I got older, I started to stop with the need to hand out with the popular kids and started hanging out with a few different groups – it took a while before I found my ‘true friendship’ group which I still keep in touch with today!

  • Meg

    I can relate to this so much! It is crazy how our experiences when we are younger can effect us as adults and our abilities to operate in certain social settings.

    This post has given me a lot more of a sense of knowing you as I have always perceived you as quite assertive as you sound very sure of yourself and organised in your blogging.

    Thanks for writing this 🙂

    • Corinne

      Haha! I’m glad I come off that way, it’s how I would like to be but there’s a lot of things that I’m not sure of at all. I just feel like a scared kid trying to figure stuff out most of the time!

  • Lucy

    I have spent most of my life making excuses for people and thinking the best of them even though their intentions are not the best. I know this but defend them, as I have got older I have got better at realising it and moving on life is too short Lucy X

  • Sassy

    Ugh, when I read this post I knew exactly what you mean! People were mean to me a lot when I was younger, they were talking about me and once, we decided to go the cinema and meat at the tube station. Needless to say: No one came. The girls were picked up at home by one of the girl’s dad and brought to cinema and no one thought it was necessary to tell me. Boys were mean to me a lot because I wasn’t the typical girly girl and because I wasn’t slim and had braces. I tended to make excuses for them because I didn’t want to be alone.

    When I grew older, the situation got better, because I learned that I don’t need these kind of persons (most of the time, I’m good at thinking this way. But, oh the bad days). But I still have some people in my life that cancel last minute or tell me the whole week about how we will do all the things and then, she says “Oh, I can’t. I gotta do x and y.” Or the typical people who “forget” to tell you that they have other plans and only remember once you ask. I hate that.

    I don’t know why people do that and I would honestly love to say that it isn’t my fault (behaviour or anything), but I still find myself thinking that it’s something about me, my character or anything.

    Hey, but, we both survived this behaviour of others 🙂 And I’m sure that the friends you have that don’t do this stuff to you, are way better friends than the others could have ever been. 🙂

    Sassy xx

  • Anita

    Great post. I think if we are honest with ourselves, most of us feel this way – insecure about certain things due to what happened in childhood. Thank you for sharing – it reminds us that we’re more alike than we are different.

  • being erica

    i am aaaaalways the “are we still on for tonight” kid because a) i make too many plans myself, and can never remember which i’ve made with who, so it’s a bit of a sense-check, b) am terrified that when i actually “make plans” with someone, that they don’t see it as ACTUAL PLANS. like, are we in agreement? this is a thing that we’re planning? good. remember this. DOOM.

  • Bombshell Drawer

    We are qualified adults who are studying in university for our second degree & My colleagues are fucking hoses. They act ignorant like teens but they come crawl when they need something. If you didn’t behave like them, they won’t accept you especially if you’re a concurrent. They see it in you even if you can’t see in yourself that you are smart and capable of being better than them. Most kids who didn’t live the norm are facing problem to fit in. But you need more time to grow better as a person. I am not just saying this for you but for all who experience the same thing. People with their stigmas and shit are the same all around the globe!
    Gigi |bmobshelldrawer.wordpress.com

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