I feel quite lucky, actually. Because it’s just dawned on me that I have a whole bunch of people that come and read what I’ve got to say – some of you even care and leave me some fantastic comments about things you’ve experienced. I love that. It sometimes feels a bit of a waste when I post about dresses and makeup when I could be using this chance to talk about things that have puzzled me my whole life. Things that have made me feel like a bloody weirdo. And see if you feel like a weirdo, too.
So that’s what I’m going to do today. Then we can all be weirdos together.
Of course you are!
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like to think of myself as a laid back person.
Whether that is true or not, remains to be seen – does anyone who knows me in real life care to vouch for that? HELLO IRL FRIENDS! I feel like I’m either really laid back about some things, or overly angry/aggressive/stabby about others. But that’s a different story.
Making excuses for others.
For today, kids, we’re talking about my tendency to make excuses for others.
When I say make excuses for others – I usually mean when they’ve been disrespectful towards me in some ways and then I try to justify their actions to other people. Just so I don’t appear to be hurt or look like I’m being a push over. Which I totally am. I have no balls.
When I mean being disrespectful, I mean things like:
- cancelled plans.
- ignored me.
- found someone better.
- spoke badly about me behind my back.
- forgot about something we had planned.
- said something nasty to me.
- being indifferent towards me.
- using me for some reason or other.
- being a fucking dick.
This whole thing started when I was really young.
I felt different as a child. And I’m sure a lot of you will be like OMG I FELT DIFFERENT TOO! Like life wasn’t real, there was a big secret everyone knew but I didn’t, or I was on a real life Truman Show.
I’m starting to realise that a lot of us feel like we’re different, odd, outcast, weird, awkward. But really, we all those things at some point. But no one really talks about it until their older.
Often, a friend would arrange to come to my house and cancel last minute. I’d arrange to meet up with someone and they wouldn’t show. I’d be spoken over in a group, laughed at, talked about and teased.
and I’d just stand there and take it because I was the typical kid that just wanted to be accepted and not cause conflict.
There was this one boy that was friends with one of the kids on our street that I would hang out with. He would come once a week and spend the whole time telling me that nobody liked me. ‘GO HOME, CORINNE. NOBODY EVEN LIKES YOU’. He used to pronounce my name wrong, too. It really made me feel really shit about myself that he did that. Also, thinking back, nobody ever told him to STFU. Maybe they didn’t like me..
So, all these things started to make me realise that people let other people down. A lot. It make me feel like a highly disposable person that didn’t matter.
Meaningful, replaceable, nothing.
I remember clearly one Saturday getting a phone call from a friend asking if I wanted to come over and play with her and her sisters. Our parents agreed and my Dad took me over to their house. When I got there, they said ‘We asked Becky and Samantha first, but they couldn’t come so we asked you’. Oh right, i feel wonderful now.
Things got really awkward when I stopped telling my parents about any plans I had until the last moment.
This is because I’d be too embarrassed if the plans fell through. Mortified that they would think their daughter was a loser.
It’s like I started to expect people to be unreliable, so I wouldn’t believe a plan would actually happen until we had met up.
This has somehow transitioned into my adult life – something I REALLY struggle with is confirming plans first. If I make plans with someone, I find it so hard to speak to that person close to the time and as something as simple as ‘are we still on for tonight?’.
I have some irrational fear that we’re going to not remember the plans and think I’ve crazy for making them up.
Totally irrational, right?
I wish I could say when I got older, this stopped happening. But I’ve had recent doom that has reinforced feeling – At the start of summer, I went on a few dates with a guy – and we had arranged to meet for drinks one evening. I grew some balls and asked him if we were still on, as he mentioned that he had a cricket match after work. The response I got was ?????
I went back and screen shotted the conversation when he had asked to meet and we had arranged a time and date. He said he was drunk and didn’t remember – needless to say, that was one of the last times we spoke.
That really hurt me, you know. Things like that always have and I think they always will.
I like to think that now I’m older, I won’t allow myself to be treated that way, but it seems to be a reoccurring theme that I can’t seem to shake. And while I’m getting much better at cutting out the unreliable people out of my life that make me feel worthless, I’m not 100% there yet.
Luckily, I have a great set of friends to tell me when I’m being an idiot and should just let people go.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?