Look, I’ll be honest with you here. I have no balls. I’m all talk and no action. I like to think I’m big, I’m clever, I’m able to stand my own. But mostly I just feel like a scared child only capable of playing out arguments in my head.
There are, however, times when I do have balls. At these times, I’m able to defend myself. I put forward a logical argument and express my feelings articulately. But only under certain conditions.
These conditions are usually on a one-on-one basis. With a person I’m comfortable with them. If I 150% know I’m right.
If any of these conditions aren’t met, I’ll bottle it.
I put out some 360 feedback forms at work a few weeks back and asked my colleagues to give me some ideas for my PDA (Personal Development Plan).
Some of the comments I got were ‘Don’t doubt yourself when you’re right’ and ‘express your feelings more’.
Yup – that’s me.
I’m very much an internal type human – when I’m attacked in some way, I more often than not find it difficult to find the right way to defend myself. The ideas are in the back of my head but matching the right words to them seem difficult.
I much prefer to avoid aggressive behaviour. I’m good at detecting what situations might end badly if I speak up and often decide it’s not worth it.
This can either been seen as not expressing myself or keeping things on the inside.
However, another colleague actually had feedback to be more like me. How in meetings, I’m there with my poker face. You can’t tell if I’m mad, even if there’s a volcano irrupting inside me.
I said to her, it’s simple.
I like to think I view the world in black and white, but I don’t. I see the future, I see the past, I see the current situation and the outcome of every possible situation depending on how I react.
I pick my battles carefully. If it’s not worth the fight, if I’m going to end up burnt or if I know it’s going to cause some problems in the future – I’ll stay quiet.
But I think really I don’t have the confidence to defend myself. My arguments seem weak when I say them out loud. I have quite a high tolerance – so I’m able to be pushed far before I snap and lose it. In general, I’m mellow and I’ll always go for the easy life over causing some complications.
Inside, I hold it all in and slowly drive myself crazy as I over analyse it in my head for the rest of the day, driving home, in the shower, while trying to fall asleep. Having the argument in my head, thinking of my quick witted responses, leaving the other person looking stupid, winning.
It’s no good. Not anymore. I find myself getting aggravated, distracted and annoyed at myself. Like I’m not being true to myself by letting some things slide.
It’s time to learn to stand up for myself.
I’d love to learn a bit more about how YOU stick up for yourself.
Are you like me?
Are you feisty with select humans, but overwhelmed by others?
Are you too stubborn to let things go?
Are you passive aggressive?
Are you strong headed and confident?
HALP MEH PLZ.