This is going to be a strange post to write. It’s not something I’m proud of, how I was as a kid. How I let myself be treated in my younger years. I often felt different and left out from my friends.
I’m hoping that, like other posts I’ve written like this, some of you will share your stories. Tell me that you felt the same. That is wasn’t just me that went through these horrible feelings.
That you’ll realise it wasn’t just you, either. I can’t have been the only one that felt this way.
When I was about 18 years old, I started writing my life biography. It stands at 10 thousand words long and I planned on updating it every few years.
It’s raw, uncensored, and very private to the point that I’ll never let anyone read the whole thing. Apart from parts of it, there are parts if it I want to share.
This is a snippet from the first chapter:
I remember being eleven and writing things. It was a circle, divided up and I wrote in each section things like ‘nobody listens to me’, ‘I don’t think my friends like me’, ‘I feel ugly and invisible’ and ‘my friends always laugh at me’.
Oh, did I mention I wrote it on the road, in chalk for all to see? And my friends did see, I said it wasn’t me, they knew it was. I wrote it after they had all left me for something better and I had spent two hours wandering around alone, I can’t remember why they left, or where they did, but I remember writing this on the road wanting to cry but nothing would come. They laughed. They laughed at my feelings. Thinking back, I never thought about them seeing what I wrote, I just needed to write it out.
My first crush, he thought I was fat, we were young and stupid, he really made a deal out of the size of my ass one day, in front of all our friends. He drew this big circle on the road the size of a car and said that is how fat my bum was.
I thought they would see how I felt and maybe take my feelings into consideration, then somehow things would change, I was sick of feeling hated and disliked; I felt I was only there to be used. If *** weren’t around for ***, she would want me. If *** weren’t around for ***, she would want me. I felt different like I wasn’t really one of them. Like they were all much older, better, prettier, thinner, funnier than me and I was just some pathetic round child. I tried to express my feelings once and they laughed at me. Things never changed. Ever since then, I’ve found it hard to express how I feel, say when I hurt; I’ve been scared I would be laughed at, like before. I was scared I would be told I’m overreacting, that I shouldn’t take things personally and I should just get over it. I went home and cried because they knew how I felt, they knew I felt they treated me bad and they laughed at me. Nothing changed. I was still treated the same, only it hurt more because they knew they were doing it.
WOAH, hello emo Corinne.
I still remember that day today. I remember the instant pang of regret when they read it and looked at me like I was crazy. I’ve always been a day dreamer. I’ll imagine scenarios in my head and hope they’ll play out that like.
I imagined that they would read how I felt and feel bad. That they would be a bit nicer to me, that they would treat me with respect. But kids are dicks. Adults are also dicks. But kids have less tact and will just say what they want when they want. They don’t feel guilty or recognise your emotions. The feel big and hard when they put someone else down.
I denied it was me who wrote those things in that circle. They didn’t believe me. One of my friends Mum asked her what I was writing on the road later that night as she saw me through the window.
Sadness. I was writing my sadness.
I felt this way through many friendship groups until I was about 15 or so. That’s when I felt able to pick my friends a little better based on how they treated me.
I always had the impression that I wasn’t good enough for the circle of friends I hung around with. I think it’s because I lived on the same street with the popular kids, so that’s who I hung around with as some of them had been friends with me for years.
I didn’t have that popular, cool kid vibe. I always the one that was picked last, I was the one the jokes were played at, had the piss taken out of nobody took me seriously or listened to what I had to say. I was crap at everything – sports, video games, running. EVERYTHING.
I was self-conscious and desperate to be accepted. I’d go home and try to fix my hair, do my makeup, look nice. I had this idea that I’d turn up to school one day with nice hair and makeup and then people would like me and act differently towards me.
Things got nasty sometimes. They would say things about my weight, call me fat and chubby. One boy used to tell me everyone hated me and I should go home. He pronounced my name wrong, too. That really pissed me off.
I’d go home, lay in bed and think of comebacks. So the next time they said something about me being fat and ugly, I would already have my comeback sorted. I’d make them look stupid and then everyone would laugh and love me.
Of course, I’m too awkward and anxious in my speech to be able to deliver a comeback, so it always failed.
I was basically an uncool kid trying to fit in with the cool kids.
Later on, I realised this and my friendship circle changed. I was hanging out with people who were nice to me. As I went through the school years, the classes changed so I had the chance to meet these nicer people.
My whole life up until then, I thought I was going to be treated like that forever. I thought that I’d be 30 years old and still spoken to like shit.
But that’s not what happened. After I had dumped Sophie and by the time I was studying for my A Levels – I had a real solid group of friends. We had a few arguments from time to time but nothing dramatic.
I went to university and met amazing people who again, didn’t treat me like shit. Or anyone else like shit. We were all equal.
Now as a 30-year-old, I have a great circle of friends. Most of them I’ve met through blogging.
As a child, you’re almost forced to be friends with certain people because they’re in your class, or live on your street. As an adult, you have a wider selection of people and are able to pick those friends that you get on with the most, those that have similar moral values to you. Those that aren’t knobheads.
So if you’re ever stuck in a situation where you feel not respected in a friendship group – remember things won’t always be that way.
As you get older, you get wiser and able to cut out the people who aren’t very nice to you. Also in general, people mature and grow out of that horrible phase of making others feel bad to look good or copying the bad attitude of ‘the cock’ of the group.
So don’t you worry. It’ll be okay.