Posted on August 3, 2016

what it felt like growing up as a loser.

lifestyle

5 things (53)

This is going to be a strange post to write. It’s not something I’m proud of, how I was as a kid. How I let myself be treated in my younger years. I often felt different and left out from my friends.

I’m hoping that, like other posts I’ve written like this, some of you will share your stories. Tell me that you felt the same. That is wasn’t just me that went through these horrible feelings.

That you’ll realise it wasn’t just you, either. I can’t have been the only one that felt this way.

When I was about 18 years old, I started writing my life biography. It stands at 10 thousand words long and I planned on updating it every few years.

It’s raw, uncensored, and very private to the point that I’ll never let anyone read the whole thing. Apart from parts of it, there are parts if it I want to share.

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This is a snippet from the first chapter:

I remember being eleven and writing things. It was a circle, divided up and I wrote in each section things like ‘nobody listens to me’, ‘I don’t think my friends like me’, ‘I feel ugly and invisible’ and ‘my friends always laugh at me’.

Oh, did I mention I wrote it on the road, in chalk for all to see? And my friends did see, I said it wasn’t me, they knew it was. I wrote it after they had all left me for something better and I had spent two hours wandering around alone, I can’t remember why they left, or where they did, but I remember writing this on the road wanting to cry but nothing would come. They laughed. They laughed at my feelings. Thinking back, I never thought about them seeing what I wrote, I just needed to write it out.

My first crush, he thought I was fat, we were young and stupid, he really made a deal out of the size of my ass one day, in front of all our friends. He drew this big circle on the road the size of a car and said that is how fat my bum was.

I thought they would see how I felt and maybe take my feelings into consideration, then somehow things would change, I was sick of feeling hated and disliked; I felt I was only there to be used. If *** weren’t around for ***, she would want me. If *** weren’t around for ***, she would want me. I felt different like I wasn’t really one of them. Like they were all much older, better, prettier, thinner, funnier than me and I was just some pathetic round child. I tried to express my feelings once and they laughed at me. Things never changed. Ever since then, I’ve found it hard to express how I feel, say when I hurt; I’ve been scared I would be laughed at, like before. I was scared I would be told I’m overreacting, that I shouldn’t take things personally and I should just get over it. I went home and cried because they knew how I felt, they knew I felt they treated me bad and they laughed at me. Nothing changed. I was still treated the same, only it hurt more because they knew they were doing it.

WOAH, hello emo Corinne.

I still remember that day today. I remember the instant pang of regret when they read it and looked at me like I was crazy. I’ve always been a day dreamer. I’ll imagine scenarios in my head and hope they’ll play out that like.

I imagined that they would read how I felt and feel bad. That they would be a bit nicer to me, that they would treat me with respect. But kids are dicks. Adults are also dicks. But kids have less tact and will just say what they want when they want. They don’t feel guilty or recognise your emotions. The feel big and hard when they put someone else down.

I denied it was me who wrote those things in that circle. They didn’t believe me. One of my friends Mum asked her what I was writing on the road later that night as she saw me through the window.

Sadness. I was writing my sadness.

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I felt this way through many friendship groups until I was about 15 or so. That’s when I felt able to pick my friends a little better based on how they treated me.

I always had the impression that I wasn’t good enough for the circle of friends I hung around with. I think it’s because I lived on the same street with the popular kids, so that’s who I hung around with as some of them had been friends with me for years.

I didn’t have that popular, cool kid vibe. I always the one that was picked last, I was the one the jokes were played at, had the piss taken out of nobody took me seriously or listened to what I had to say. I was crap at everything – sports, video games, running. EVERYTHING.

I was self-conscious and desperate to be accepted. I’d go home and try to fix my hair, do my makeup, look nice. I had this idea that I’d turn up to school one day with nice hair and makeup and then people would like me and act differently towards me.

Things got nasty sometimes. They would say things about my weight, call me fat and chubby. One boy used to tell me everyone hated me and I should go home. He pronounced my name wrong, too. That really pissed me off.

I’d go home, lay in bed and think of comebacks. So the next time they said something about me being fat and ugly, I would already have my comeback sorted. I’d make them look stupid and then everyone would laugh and love me.

Of course, I’m too awkward and anxious in my speech to be able to deliver a comeback, so it always failed.

I was basically an uncool kid trying to fit in with the cool kids.

Later on, I realised this and my friendship circle changed. I was hanging out with people who were nice to me. As I went through the school years, the classes changed so I had the chance to meet these nicer people.

My whole life up until then, I thought I was going to be treated like that forever. I thought that I’d be 30 years old and still spoken to like shit.

But that’s not what happened. After I had dumped Sophie and by the time I was studying for my A Levels – I had a real solid group of friends. We had a few arguments from time to time but nothing dramatic.

I went to university and met amazing people who again, didn’t treat me like shit. Or anyone else like shit. We were all equal.

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Now as a 30-year-old, I have a great circle of friends. Most of them I’ve met through blogging.

As a child, you’re almost forced to be friends with certain people because they’re in your class, or live on your street. As an adult, you have a wider selection of people and are able to pick those friends that you get on with the most, those that have similar moral values to you. Those that aren’t knobheads.

So if you’re ever stuck in a situation where you feel not respected in a friendship group – remember things won’t always be that way.

As you get older, you get wiser and able to cut out the people who aren’t very nice to you. Also in general, people mature and grow out of that horrible phase of making others feel bad to look good or copying the bad attitude of ‘the cock’ of the group.

So don’t you worry. It’ll be okay.

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25 Comments

  • Reply Lizzie August 3, 2016 at 7:53 am

    Gosh this is so sad and I can’t believe you’ve been treated in such a way! The world is full of horrible people, as horrible things can be said more easily without feeling, but I’m so glad that you found a solid group of friends in the end!

  • Reply Liakada August 3, 2016 at 8:01 am

    Oh no this is so sad!! School can be so vicious, I really had a hard time in primary schools and then thankfully switched to a different part of town for secondary school but I still remember how miserable it could be. At least you have a great group of friends now.

    Ash | Liakada
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  • Reply Nikki O. August 3, 2016 at 9:24 am

    I felt like I was reading a story about my middle school self.. I was bullied from 6-8th grade.Got mean notes stuck in my locker. And I never understood why ppl I thought were my friends would turn on me.. But you are so right! It gets better. As you grow older you are able to figure out who is worth being in your life & who needs to leave.
    I love blogs that are personal like this!
    I feel like I know you a lot better.

    Nikki O. | http://www.herdaring thoughts.blogspot.com

  • Reply Darina August 3, 2016 at 10:42 am

    So sad to read….When I read this, I saw myself, during my teenage years…Now I am older, I can put anything more into perspective and I choose my people by how they treat me, just like you do. Thank you for sharing your story! xx
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  • Reply Catriona August 3, 2016 at 10:53 am

    Thank you for such an honest post, I felt exactly the same throughout my school years. I never really fit in, I was always too spotty, too short and too nervous. I hated school, being at an all girls school was hands down the worst experience of my life (girls can be so mean without realizing the effect that it can have).

    Now I have a smaller group of friends, but each one is a fantastic loving caring person. Its about quality not quantity!.

    Cat
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  • Reply Kirsty August 3, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    This is such a credible, honest post Corinne – it can’t have been easy to write so well done.
    Kids are so, so cruel. I had some similar experiences too during my school years, just thinking about them makes me want to cry a little inside.

    I’m glad everything ended so well for you though and that you realised that being treated like shit isn’t okay, or acceptable. And that there are plenty of decent people out there too 🙂

    xx

    http://www.kirstytalks.co.uk

  • Reply Stephanie August 3, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    Wow…it’s like you knew who I was in school! I knew the cool kids, and even hung around the cool kids, but never got invited to anything! Mostly knew them, because we all rode the same school bus, grew up in the same neighborhood, so really, how were they any cooler than me?! Thank you for this post!
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  • Reply Amy August 3, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    Oh Corinne, the title of this post made me sad and then reading it made me even sadder for child Corinne! This is really sad but kids really can be dicks and as you say we’re unable to choose friends as well when we’re young. I used to be emotionally bullied by someone else who lived on my street and that was just a case of her being the only kid I could play out with – luckily I moved away though!
    Amy xx
    http://www.callmeamy.co.uk
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  • Reply Anca August 3, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    It must have been terrible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I really don’t know what to say, only that I’m sending hugs xx
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  • Reply Holly August 3, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    Can I give you a massive cuddle please?
    When I was 13, I had a group of friends who always took the piss out of me. My hair wasn’t trendy, my clothes weren’t cool and I just didn’t fit in. I always felt like an outcast. Lucy got an Adidas three stripe zip up top for her birthday and male us try it on. I got the zip stuck for a little bit and she stopped talking to me. She made all my friends stop talking to me until the day I moved away. I haven’t spoken to her since. I always remember how small and worthless she made me feel.
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    • Reply Holly August 3, 2016 at 6:31 pm

      Not not a cuddle. A fist bump.

  • Reply Kit August 3, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    I love this! So well written, and you’ve definitely summed up how a lot of us feel in our teenage years- it’s nice to know it gets better!

  • Reply Ela August 3, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    I relate to what you went through and I know how hard these things were. People don’t really care how they make you feel like or the effect it would have on you. When I was around 13, I was a chubby kid and some d…heads were making fun of it and I still remember how bad I was feeling. You’d think people would change as they grow older, but in some cases, they get even worse. We can’t change the past so there’s no point to make ourselves miserable. We should focus on the people who we can call friends and who treat us the way we should be treated. x
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  • Reply Paula August 3, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Such a great post, and I can definitely identify. I never quite felt like I fit in growing up, to the point where when I left school to go to uni, I just completely dropped off contact with the friendship group I had spent the last few years with . . . and the fact they never went out of their way to contact me proved to me I was right to do so. I am in touch with some of them these days via social media but apart from one party I went to as an adult that one of them invited me to and the rest of them pretty much ignored me, I haven’t saw them in real life since. I feel much better now I have a circle of friends that I chose (and who chose me in return) and I don’t feel like I don’t fit in . . . and I don’t feel left out.
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  • Reply Anett August 3, 2016 at 11:53 pm

    This is really sad. I bet it took a huge amount courage to share this with us, but I’m sure there are a lot of young girls who could relate and whose life you just changed for the better.

    Bella Pummarola
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  • Reply Jemma August 4, 2016 at 3:08 am

    5 Things I like about Corinne-

    1. She’s really, really, funny.. without trying/knowing.
    2. She makes you feel like super important when she talks to you.
    3. Its obvious she enjoys writing, and it is always honest, raw and amazing.
    4. She doesn’t take life too seriously
    5. She seems to really fit in with a range of people/personalities, without clashing. I like that.

    Just wanted to tell you you’re awesome.
    And I am now thinking of my own moments like this.
    Its weird I always pictured you as always having the perfect group of friends growing up, being super popular and liked, and definitely not one to be made to feel like a loser.

    Dorkface relates <3
    X
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  • Reply Emily August 4, 2016 at 4:48 am

    I’m so glad you posted this, its a great post that most people can relate to and its nice to hear other people went through the same things. I had a lot of the same experiences, I was a chubby awkward girl with a speech impediment in middle school who tried too hard to be friends with people who didn’t appreciate me
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  • Reply Rai August 4, 2016 at 9:51 am

    Kids are nasty, I’ve also found adults are to which is very unfortunate. Growing up its such a relief knowing you can find people who stick by you, respect you and are kind. Happy you’ve found strong friends and become strong yourself on being treated how you should be, as an equal!
    Being bullied nearly my whole life this sticks with me thanks for sharing!

    Rai | utterardour.blogspot.com
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  • Reply Aimee August 4, 2016 at 10:11 am

    It was really sad reading this but I’m glad you shared this. It must have taken a lot of courage! I’m so sorry that you had such horrid friends. I always say, kids are cruel. I went through bullying when I was a child/teen but not from friends. All my friends were the outcasts, we were the ones who didn’t fit in any other group so we clung to each other. I’m still friends with a few of them now. But the other groups, they would pick on me. They even tried to turn my friends against me, and one or two did. But the ones that mattered stuck around. And I deserve them, not the crappy ones. So do you. You’re awesome! X
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  • Reply Abigail August 4, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    I can totally relate to this post, I’ve never had a good group of friends up to this day. I think the difference is when you get older even if you have shit friends you can handle it better rather than feeling like you have to take it. I love how this post is so honest and relatable

  • Reply Katie Middleton August 4, 2016 at 11:11 pm

    Awwww this made me so sad! I’m glad you shared this though. People are dicks, life is also a dick but you have a fab bunch of friends now and you’ve got the last laugh! xx

  • Reply Kel August 5, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    Aww Corinne, this is so sad!
    Glad things are better now for you though! Gives me hope that I may yet grow out of being a ‘loser’ too! ;p
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  • Reply Lucy August 5, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    We all want to be accepted and it’s a basic right but so often doesn’t happen or we ourselves overlook it as not being important. School can be a very hard place and children can be cruel and unkind. They themselves probably felt like they didn’t fit in too and as a result were mean to you. Very well written and thanks for sharing Lucy x
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  • Reply Sarah August 8, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    I can relate to this so much. I had horrid friends as a kid, right up until I left secondary school, my friendship group was not one I would have chosen but it was the only one that would have me and I get so angry at myself now thinking back on the things I put up with. I was convinced that this was what friends were for, that sure the things they said were mean and hurtful, but I must have deserved it, after all, they were my friends, right? I was so wrong. I had better friends in college but nobody I wanted to really keep in touch with after I left. University finally sorted me and my perception of friends out, but it was a long bloody road to travel down to get there. I guess its made me super choosy about who I want in my life now, but at least I know the people who are in it, are in it for the right reasons!

    Sarah 🙂
    Saloca in Wonderland
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